Question

Tryout
B. Haq

Damien was not going to let it rest. He was determined to get to the bottom of it. Understandably, he wanted to know what he was doing right, but more importantly, what he was NOT doing well.

Every time he tried to shoot the ball into the basket, it either hit the backboard or bounced off the metal ring. By the time the tryout had ended, his frustration had hit the ceiling. He slammed the ball onto the floor and observed it bounce endlessly before it came to rest. Everybody but him and Coach Bardin had already gone home. The silence in the gym made his thoughts scream louder in his head. Does it mean I won’t make the team? What if I am the only one not selected? Intense fear of failure gripped him, and he felt feeble in his knees and collapsed, prepared to cry.

“My boy! It was a good tryout.” Coach Bardin patted squarely between his slumped shoulders. “Get going.” Coach threw the balls in the aged, musty storage cupboard that held balls, bats, gloves, nets, and everything sports-related and padlocked it.

But Damien was not going anywhere. He was still on his knees, trying to fathom what Coach Bardin had just uttered. What could be remotely good about this tryout? He was bewildered and felt nauseous just thinking about it. He desperately wanted to be a junior-high basketball star like his brother.

The next moment, he sprang up and raced toward the coach, who was hastily walking away. The sound of Damien's shoes skidding on the hardwood floor echoed the urgency he felt in his mind.

“Coach! Coach!” Damien shouted. Coach Bardin turned the corner at the far end of the hallway and disappeared. Damien lunged and sprinted toward the disappearing shadow.

“Coach Bardin!” Damien hollered, breathlessly. “I must speak with you.”

All this racket made Coach Bardin stop in his tracks, and he spun around on his heels.

“What’s the matter, Damien?” Coach was alarmed to see Damien crying and running toward him. He ran toward Damien, who was about to lose his balance and take a nasty fall amidst the turmoil in his head. Coach caught him and sat him down on a bench.

“What’s all the fuss?” Coach asked, scrutinizing him.

Between stifled sobs, Damien vented his dilemma.

“That’s not true at all,” Coach calmly explained. “Your dribbling and passing are excellent; all you need is to focus on shooting and rebounding. Above all, you must have patience with perseverance. You will get there, I promise.”

Answer 1

Would you like me to edit or work with this piece? I can do one or more of the following — tell me which:

- Proofread for grammar, punctuation, and consistency.
- Line-edit for clarity, pacing, and word choice (tighten sentences, remove repetition).
- Give a developmental critique (character, arc, theme, dialogue).
- Continue the story (next scene or chapter).
- Rewrite in a different voice or POV (first person, more literary, YA tone).
- Provide a short summary or reader-facing blurb.

Quick, high-level feedback
- Strengths: Good emotional core and believable voice for Damien; strong sensory detail in moments (ball bounce, gym silence); clear motivation and stakes.
- Things to improve: Repetition of character names and tags (Coach Bardin appears often); a few clichés/wordy phrases that could be tightened; some show-don’t-tell opportunities (show more of Damien’s physical reactions rather than naming emotions).

If you want, here’s a brief edited version of the opening paragraph to show tone and tightening (I can continue the whole piece the same way if you like):

Edited sample:
Damien wasn’t going to let it rest. He needed to know what he’d done right — and, more important, what he hadn’t. Every shot either smacked the backboard or clanged off the rim. By the end of the tryout his frustration had reached a breaking point. He slammed the ball to the floor and watched it bounce until it finally rolled still. Everyone else had left; only Coach Bardin remained. The gym’s hush made his thoughts roar. Does this mean I won’t make the team?

Tell me which option you want, or ask for another sample edit and I’ll proceed.