Question

Iggy is revising the following excerpt from his research-based essay on the effectiveness of animal shelters.



Behaviorists studied sheltered animals to determine whether these animals showed increased signs of stress. These clinicians hypothesized that behaviors such as whale eye are much more prevalent in shelter inhabitants.



Which revisions should Iggy make to best improve the readability for his audience (tenth grade classmates and his teacher)?

Iggy should include personal perspective of owning a shelter pet.
He should combine the sentences to make the text easier to read.
He should include extended definitions for more challenging vocabulary.
He should include all behaviors of the stressed dogs observed by the clinicians

Answer 1

Choose only the second revision: combine the sentences.

Why:
- Combining the sentences improves flow and reduces repetition while keeping the writing objective and appropriate for a research-based essay.
- A personal perspective would introduce bias and doesn’t belong in a research-based paragraph.
- “Extended” definitions would interrupt readability; instead give a brief parenthetical or appositive definition if a term is unfamiliar.
- Listing “all behaviors” is unnecessary and would overwhelm readers; give a few clear examples instead.

Suggested revised sentence (concise, with a brief definition):
"Behaviorists studied shelter animals to determine whether they showed increased signs of stress and hypothesized that behaviors such as 'whale eye' (when a dog shows the whites of its eyes) are more prevalent in shelter residents."