Question

Read the sentence from a student’s critical analysis essay.

In the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson talks about independence through his use of big words and fancy argument skills.

Which is the best revision to the sentence?
Thomas Jefferson put difficult words and strong argumentative abilities to work when he wrote the Declaration of Independence.
In the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson uses his command of the English language to make a powerful argument for American independence.
Thomas Jefferson uses fanciful words and great arguments to make a case for American independence in the Declaration of Independence.
In the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson talks using sophisticated words to make a good case so that Britain will give Americans their independence.

Answer 1

"In the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson uses his command of the English language to make a powerful argument for American independence."

This revision is the best because it uses formal, precise academic language and clearly states Jefferson’s rhetorical effect without the vague or informal phrasing of the original.