Question

Iggy is revising the following excerpt from his research-based essay on the effectiveness of animal shelters.



Behaviorists studied sheltered animals to determine whether these animals showed increased signs of stress. These clinicians hypothesized that behaviors such as whale eye are much more prevalent in shelter inhabitants.



Which revisions should Iggy make to best improve the readability for his audience (tenth grade classmates and his teacher)?

Iggy should include personal perspective of owning a shelter pet.
He should combine the sentences to make the text easier to read.
He should include extended definitions for more challenging vocabulary.
He should include all behaviors of the stressed dogs observed by the clinicians.

Answer 1

He should combine the sentences and briefly define the term "whale eye." Keep the tone objective (no personal perspective) and avoid trying to list every observed behavior.

Why: Combining the two short sentences improves flow and clarity. A brief parenthetical definition of the jargon makes the sentence accessible to 10th graders without bogging the reader down with an extended definition. Personal anecdotes would undermine the research tone, and an exhaustive list of behaviors would overwhelm readers.

Example revision:
Behaviorists studied sheltered animals to determine whether they showed increased signs of stress and hypothesized that behaviors such as "whale eye" (when a dog shows the whites of its eyes) are more common in shelter inhabitants.