Question

I looked at myself in the mirror. Makeup all done, hair pinned up, white dress flowing. I had always looked forward to this day. Mama told me it was gonna be the best day of my life. Marrying the love of my life in front of all the other people I love. But now it didn’t seem so great. There was a pit forming in my stomach. Was I making the wrong decision? Was this really the right person for me? I ran my hand over invisible wrinkles in my dress over and over again just so my hands could stop shaking.

“Raynell?” My mother comes in in her gold bridesmaid’s dress. “Are you okay?” she says in a worried tone.




whats good about this narrative

“Yeah, I’m okay Mama, just nervous that's all.” I lied. I didn't want her to worry. She had had too much to worry about for the past 30 years. Raising me, dealing with Papa, then Papa died, and she had to worry about that. It had been 20 years. 20 years since we found him, baseball bat in hand. Mama knew he was gone, knew that Death had finally got to him. I turn around and face the mirror again...

Answer 1

Nice excerpt — it has a lot of strong elements. Highlights:

- Immediate hook and contrast: opening with a bridal image (“Makeup all done, hair pinned up, white dress flowing”) sets an expected joyful scene and then you undercut it quickly with the narrator’s panic. That emotional contrast pulls the reader in.

- Strong voice and intimacy: first-person present feelings (“Was I making the wrong decision?”) feel immediate and believable. Small, plain sentences (“I lied.”) carry weight and read authentic.

- Effective showing of anxiety: concrete actions — rubbing “invisible wrinkles” repeatedly, shaking hands — show the narrator’s nervousness rather than telling it. Those little compulsive gestures make the emotion tactile.

- Good use of dialogue and family detail: the short exchange with Mama feels natural. The word “Mama” helps characterize both speaker and relationship quickly.

- Subtext and stakes: the casual reference to the father’s death (“20 years since we found him, baseball bat in hand”) is stark and surprising. It drops in a darker backstory that raises questions and deepens the scene without long exposition.

- Pacing and sentence rhythm: varied sentence lengths and short beats (questions, one-line revelations) create an anxious tempo that matches the narrator’s state.

- Visual and sensory touches: mirror, dress, gold bridesmaid’s dress, the pit in the stomach — these concrete images anchor the emotions in a scene the reader can picture.

If you want, I can point out small places to tighten or expand, suggest lines to deepen subtext, or help continue the scene. Which would you prefer?