Question

When we got home, my mother told Vincent to throw the chess set away. “She not want it. We not want it.” she said, tossing her head stiffly to the side with a tight, proud smile. My brothers had deaf ears. They were already lining up the chess pieces and reading from the dog-eared instruction book.

I watched Vincent and Winston play during Christmas week. The chessboard seemed to hold elaborate secrets waiting to be untangled. The chessmen were more powerful than old Li’s magic herbs that cured ancestral curses. And my brothers wore such serious faces that I was sure something was at stake that was greater than avoiding the tradesmen’s door to Hong Sing’s.

“Let me! Let me!” I begged between games when one brother or the other would sit back with a deep sigh of relief and victory, the other annoyed, unable to let go of the outcome. Vincent at first refused to let me play, but when I offered my Life Savers as replacements for the buttons that filled in for the missing pieces, he relented. He chose the flavors: wild cherry for the black pawn and peppermint for the white knight. Winner could eat both.

As our mother sprinkled flour and rolled out small doughy circles for the steamed dumplings that would be our dinner that night, Vincent explained the rules, pointing to each piece. “You have sixteen pieces and so do I. One king and queen, two bishops, two knights, two castles, and eight pawns. The pawns can only move forward one step, except on the first move. Then they can move two. But they can only take men by moving crossways like this, except in the beginning, when you can move ahead and take another pawn.”

“Why?” I asked as I moved my pawn. “Why can’t they move more steps?”

“Because they’re pawns,” he said.

“But why do they go crossways to take other men? Why aren’t there any women and children?”

“Why is the sky blue? Why must you always ask stupid questions?” asked Vincent. “This is a game. These are the rules. I didn’t make them up. See. Here in the book.” He jabbed a page with a pawn in his hand. “Pawn. P-A-W-N. Pawn. Read it yourself.”

My mother patted the flour off her hands. “Let me see book,” she said quietly. She scanned the pages quickly, not reading the foreign English symbols, seeming to search deliberately for nothing in particular.

“This American rules,” she concluded at last. “Every time people come out from foreign country, must know rules. You not know, judge say, Too bad, go back. They not telling you why so you can use their way go forward. They say, Don’t know why, you find out yourself. But they knowing all the time. Better you take it, find out why yourself.” She tossed her head back with a satisfied smile.

Answer 1

Thanks — this is a vivid excerpt. What would you like me to do with it? Here are some options; pick one (or tell me something else):

- Line edit for grammar, punctuation, and consistency (keeping the voice/dialect or normalizing it).
- Copyedit plus light stylistic tightening (shorten/clarify sentences, strengthen imagery).
- Deeper critique (themes, character dynamics, pacing, what’s working, what to develop).
- Continue the scene or write a next paragraph from the same POV.
- Rewrite in a different tone or register (e.g., more formal, more lyrical, or contemporary).
- Create a short lesson plan or discussion questions for teaching this excerpt.

If you’re not sure, here’s a quick, focused critique (3 strengths and 3 possible improvements) to help you decide:

Strengths
- Strong, intimate voice — the child narrator is clear and engaging.
- Good physical detail (Life Savers as pawns, flour on hands) that grounds the scene.
- The chess-game-as-ritual is a compelling metaphor for rules, power, and belonging.

Possible improvements
- Dialect: the mother’s nonstandard English adds authenticity but can read as inconsistent or heavy. Decide how much phonetic spelling you want versus conveying it through word choice and syntax.
- Clarity: a few lines could be tightened for flow (e.g., “avoiding the tradesmen’s door to Hong Sing’s” is a little confusing — do you mean avoiding the traders at Hong Sing’s store?).
- Pacing: consider trimming repeated small details (e.g., two similar lines about the brothers’ seriousness) to accelerate the scene or add a stronger turning point (a moment that deepens the narrator’s stakes).

If you want, I can:
- Produce a cleaned-up version that preserves the voice.
- Offer two brief rewrites (one with heavy dialect, one normalized) so you can compare.

Which would you like?