Question
In his sermon, Jonathan Edwards clearly points out his audience’s faults and explains to them in vivid detail exactly what he thought they were doing wrong. Your job is to write a parody (or imitation) of “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God” which focuses on a pet peeve or “wrong” of your choice. You may pick anything that bugs you (so long as it is school appropriate). You may want to “preach” to people who fail to move quickly through the school hallways, you may want to “preach” about the proper way to eat a taco, you may want to show Android users the “true path” to IPhones - the choice is yours! As you write, you must parody Edwards’ tone (angry, direct, instructive), his diction (you are preaching -use as much “church” language as possible), syntax (rhetorical questions/directly addressing the audience, and exclamations – “O Sinners!”), and figurative language (similes, metaphors, imagery). Edwards was very good at painting a picture in the mind of his audience – you should do the same!
The Directions:
Identify and address your audience. What are they doing wrong?
Make them understand they are not aware of the danger they face and who/what keeps them from suffering.
Use images and metaphors/similes to describe their wickedness. Be specific. Use hyperbole (exaggeration).
Use images and metaphors/similes to describe the “wrath” these “sinners” will face.
Address those who have gone before and never repented or changed. What fate have they suffered for failing to listen to you?
Once again plea for them to repent and change.
Offer the solution. How do they redeem themselves? What is so glorious about it? Use details to make this appealing and show “salvation” that awaits. Use images and metaphors/similes.
Remind them they a choice to make. Make the choices and the consequences clear.
The Directions:
Identify and address your audience. What are they doing wrong?
Make them understand they are not aware of the danger they face and who/what keeps them from suffering.
Use images and metaphors/similes to describe their wickedness. Be specific. Use hyperbole (exaggeration).
Use images and metaphors/similes to describe the “wrath” these “sinners” will face.
Address those who have gone before and never repented or changed. What fate have they suffered for failing to listen to you?
Once again plea for them to repent and change.
Offer the solution. How do they redeem themselves? What is so glorious about it? Use details to make this appealing and show “salvation” that awaits. Use images and metaphors/similes.
Remind them they a choice to make. Make the choices and the consequences clear.
Answers
GPT-4o mini
**Students in the Hallways of Inefficiency**
O Students! You who wander aimlessly through the hallowed halls of this esteemed institution! I come before you today, burdened by the weight of your slothfulness, that insidious pest that gnaws at our sacred time like a ravenous worm upon a forgotten apple. Your negligence, O wayward souls, is not without consequence!
Lo! How you shuffle and prattle, a flock of sheep lost in a meadow, while the bell tolls like thunder, echoing your doom! Each tardy step you take is a dagger to the sacred hour of learning—a heinous crime against time itself! You bask in your ignorance, blissfully unaware that the clock ticks inexorably, a relentless beast ready to consume your precious moments of enlightenment!
Consider the plight of those who have passed before you—the students of yore, ever slow and glacial in their movements, forever cursed to repeat their lessons, bound in chains of red ink and scorn! They lingered in the hallways, languishing in their frivolity, and they have tasted the bitter fruit of failure! O, the desolation that awaited them in the halls of detention, where their screams for mercy echoed unheard!
You have been warned, O lethargic pilgrims! The wrath of missed opportunities looms over you like a storm cloud heavy with rain, ready to unleash its fury upon your unprepared spirits! Should you continue in this sinful slumber, you shall find your report cards adorned with the dreadful stains of incompleteness! Your futures, those bright flames of potential, will be extinguished, snuffed out like a candle in the wind, leaving only darkness in your wake!
Yet, behold! There is a path, a glorious redemption awaiting your weary souls! Let the spirit of urgency fill your hearts, for the hallways are not mere passages; they are the sacred corridors of your destiny! Embrace the speed of the gazelle, darting through the grasslands, eager to seize the day! Scurry forth like ants to the sweet nectar of accomplishment and delight!
Pledge, dear students, to shun the shamble and embrace the stride! Walk with purpose! Let your feet move as though propelled by the very winds of heaven! For in repentance and renewal, there lies a bountiful harvest of academic glory, where your names shall be inscribed in the annals of honor and achievement! Savor the sweetness of being on time, the joy of joining your peers in the sacred act of learning—a divine banquet laid before you!
The choice lies before you, O pupils of pride and sloth! Will you continue to be prisoners of the clock, shackled in the chains of your own making, or will you rise and seize the day with fervor and vigor? Cast off the shackles of idleness—embrace the rapid march of enlightenment! Choose wisely, for each moment wasted is a moment lost in the abyss of mediocrity.
O Students! Repent now, and let your hearts overflow with the righteousness of speed and purpose! The hallways await your swift feet, and a glorious future beckons! Amen!
O Students! You who wander aimlessly through the hallowed halls of this esteemed institution! I come before you today, burdened by the weight of your slothfulness, that insidious pest that gnaws at our sacred time like a ravenous worm upon a forgotten apple. Your negligence, O wayward souls, is not without consequence!
Lo! How you shuffle and prattle, a flock of sheep lost in a meadow, while the bell tolls like thunder, echoing your doom! Each tardy step you take is a dagger to the sacred hour of learning—a heinous crime against time itself! You bask in your ignorance, blissfully unaware that the clock ticks inexorably, a relentless beast ready to consume your precious moments of enlightenment!
Consider the plight of those who have passed before you—the students of yore, ever slow and glacial in their movements, forever cursed to repeat their lessons, bound in chains of red ink and scorn! They lingered in the hallways, languishing in their frivolity, and they have tasted the bitter fruit of failure! O, the desolation that awaited them in the halls of detention, where their screams for mercy echoed unheard!
You have been warned, O lethargic pilgrims! The wrath of missed opportunities looms over you like a storm cloud heavy with rain, ready to unleash its fury upon your unprepared spirits! Should you continue in this sinful slumber, you shall find your report cards adorned with the dreadful stains of incompleteness! Your futures, those bright flames of potential, will be extinguished, snuffed out like a candle in the wind, leaving only darkness in your wake!
Yet, behold! There is a path, a glorious redemption awaiting your weary souls! Let the spirit of urgency fill your hearts, for the hallways are not mere passages; they are the sacred corridors of your destiny! Embrace the speed of the gazelle, darting through the grasslands, eager to seize the day! Scurry forth like ants to the sweet nectar of accomplishment and delight!
Pledge, dear students, to shun the shamble and embrace the stride! Walk with purpose! Let your feet move as though propelled by the very winds of heaven! For in repentance and renewal, there lies a bountiful harvest of academic glory, where your names shall be inscribed in the annals of honor and achievement! Savor the sweetness of being on time, the joy of joining your peers in the sacred act of learning—a divine banquet laid before you!
The choice lies before you, O pupils of pride and sloth! Will you continue to be prisoners of the clock, shackled in the chains of your own making, or will you rise and seize the day with fervor and vigor? Cast off the shackles of idleness—embrace the rapid march of enlightenment! Choose wisely, for each moment wasted is a moment lost in the abyss of mediocrity.
O Students! Repent now, and let your hearts overflow with the righteousness of speed and purpose! The hallways await your swift feet, and a glorious future beckons! Amen!