Question

When you’re angry, frustrated, hurt, or fearful, the words you choose to communicate our
feelings can either heighten or relieve the level of anger and intensity.
I-Statements
I-statements are a method of effective communication. Using I-statements can help you
express your feelings in a manner that will not provoke a negative response in your
listener. I-statements can take many forms. As you become more skilled in constructing
them, you will most likely find yourself coming up with many variations. However, when
you first begin working with them, it is helpful to have an initial template to follow.
¾ I-statements have four parts. Each part is stated in the following order:
1. "I".
2. What you feel or want.
3. The event that evoked your feeling(s) or desire (typically something that
is not going to be offensive to the listener).
4. The effect the event has on you.
¾ Combine the parts to form a sentence.
For example:
"(#1) I feel ____ #2 ________ when _______ #3 ___________,
because ______ #4 ________.
"(1) I feel (2) very rushed to leave work (3) when you come in late,
because (4) I have to pay more money when I am late picking up my child
from daycare."
¾ Practice a few I-statements out loud. Write a few down.
Common Errors When Constructing I-Statements
1. Avoid inserting "that" or "like"
The phrases "I feel that..." or "I feel like..." are really expressions of thought, often an
opinion or judgment. The use of "I feel" should always be followed by a feeling such as
"sad", "glad", afraid", etc.
2. Avoid disguised YOU statements
These include sentences that begin with "I feel that you..." or

Answer 1

"I feel like you should..." These phrases shift the focus away from your feelings to an accusation or a judgment about the other person's behavior. Instead, focus on your own emotional responses without blaming the other person.

3. Be specific about your feelings
Just saying "I feel bad" or "I feel upset" is often not enough. Try to use more precise language to describe your emotions, such as "frustrated," "hurt," "annoyed," or "fearful." This helps to create a clearer picture of what you're experiencing.

4. Avoid generalizations
Statements that include "always" or "never" can lead to defensiveness. For example, saying "I feel neglected when you never call" can come off as accusatory. Instead, you might say, "I feel ignored when I don't hear from you for a few days, because I value our communication."

5. Focus on the event, not the person
Make sure the event you reference is specific to what happened rather than a global criticism of the person. For example, instead of saying "I feel hurt when you are rude," you might say "I feel hurt when I hear you raise your voice during our conversations."

### Examples of I-Statements

1. "I feel worried when my messages go unanswered, because I need assurance that everything is alright."
2. "I feel overwhelmed when there are many last-minute changes, because it makes it hard for me to plan effectively."
3. "I feel anxious when you don’t follow through on commitments, because it creates uncertainty in our plans."

### Practice

Try writing your own I-statements based on specific situations you may have encountered:

1. "I feel __________ when ___________, because __________."
2. "I feel __________ when ___________, because __________."
3. "I feel __________ when ___________, because __________."

This practice can help you become more comfortable with expressing yourself in a way that promotes understanding and reduces conflict.