Question
I made this poem for my class what exactly should i fix
The mans eyes shined in the dark night sky
Even then I couldn’t look him in the eyes
The way the words chai tea rolled off his tongue
But it stung when he walked away because i wanted him to stay.
I didn’t know what to say as he walked away
He was a ray of sunshine even if i couldn’t see him the next day.
The mans eyes shined in the dark night sky
Even then I couldn’t look him in the eyes
The way the words chai tea rolled off his tongue
But it stung when he walked away because i wanted him to stay.
I didn’t know what to say as he walked away
He was a ray of sunshine even if i couldn’t see him the next day.
Answers
GPT-4o mini
Your poem has a lovely emotional core and a vivid atmosphere! Here are some suggestions for polishing it:
1. **Consistency in Tense**: Make sure the verb tenses are consistent throughout. Your opening line is in past tense ("shined"), but other lines mix past and present.
2. **Imagery and Structure**: Enhance your imagery and perhaps play with the structure to give it a rhythmic flow.
3. **Clarify Meaning**: The phrase "the way the words chai tea rolled off his tongue" might need a little more context or clarity to strengthen the connection to the rest of the poem.
4. **Line Breaks and Punctuation**: Consider adding punctuation for clarity and breaking lines for emphasis or rhythm.
Here’s a revised version incorporating these suggestions:
---
The man's eyes shone in the dark night sky;
Even then, I couldn't look him in the eye.
The way "chai tea" rolled off his tongue—
It stung when he walked away; I wanted him to stay.
I didn’t know what to say as he turned away—
A ray of sunshine, even if gone the next day.
---
Feel free to mix in your own voice! The changes are meant to offer clarity and enhance the emotional impact.
1. **Consistency in Tense**: Make sure the verb tenses are consistent throughout. Your opening line is in past tense ("shined"), but other lines mix past and present.
2. **Imagery and Structure**: Enhance your imagery and perhaps play with the structure to give it a rhythmic flow.
3. **Clarify Meaning**: The phrase "the way the words chai tea rolled off his tongue" might need a little more context or clarity to strengthen the connection to the rest of the poem.
4. **Line Breaks and Punctuation**: Consider adding punctuation for clarity and breaking lines for emphasis or rhythm.
Here’s a revised version incorporating these suggestions:
---
The man's eyes shone in the dark night sky;
Even then, I couldn't look him in the eye.
The way "chai tea" rolled off his tongue—
It stung when he walked away; I wanted him to stay.
I didn’t know what to say as he turned away—
A ray of sunshine, even if gone the next day.
---
Feel free to mix in your own voice! The changes are meant to offer clarity and enhance the emotional impact.