Question
how is this poem
She blamed all that happened on you
But yet did she have the right
What she saw was far from your view
Different from what you did
Even if you were there, you werent
The father is one to protect
Instead the one that broke her the most
Each dawn you stole, each hope you choked
she tried mend the stone
To save your marriage, to play her part?
But it was yours, not hers,
she's just a child all she wanted to be
A child that wanted a fathers embrace
Yet a teen trapped in his own mistakes is what she received
while she grew, you only stayed young
she learned the lessons you were supposed to know
While she watched the other kids play so full of light
she sat on that bench a lonely soul
No shoulders to ride on, no game of ball
Just your absent space
She forgave, and she forgot
Each time she forgave it got harder to forget
A promise she made herself kept falling apart
That it would be okay
she tried to block out the guilt
Mirrored your way
What worked for you
Only clouded her thoughts
But know know she see s
You didn't try, you gave away
While she fought to hold on for just another night
her childhood was gone while you were stuck in yours
So now she might be done
She still does miss you
She hate that she does
But she can't call you dad when you are just a kid
she hated the feeling you left her with
The weight that was added when you left
So she hid within the darkness
Without a clue if you were safe or in danger
That breaks your daughter her core shattered
She was just a kid
You were supposed to be a man
But she grew up before you
So i'm trying to kill you in my mind
But my mind kills me
I'm trying to fight the urge to yell
To scream at the voices
To stop
She blamed all that happened on you
But yet did she have the right
What she saw was far from your view
Different from what you did
Even if you were there, you werent
The father is one to protect
Instead the one that broke her the most
Each dawn you stole, each hope you choked
she tried mend the stone
To save your marriage, to play her part?
But it was yours, not hers,
she's just a child all she wanted to be
A child that wanted a fathers embrace
Yet a teen trapped in his own mistakes is what she received
while she grew, you only stayed young
she learned the lessons you were supposed to know
While she watched the other kids play so full of light
she sat on that bench a lonely soul
No shoulders to ride on, no game of ball
Just your absent space
She forgave, and she forgot
Each time she forgave it got harder to forget
A promise she made herself kept falling apart
That it would be okay
she tried to block out the guilt
Mirrored your way
What worked for you
Only clouded her thoughts
But know know she see s
You didn't try, you gave away
While she fought to hold on for just another night
her childhood was gone while you were stuck in yours
So now she might be done
She still does miss you
She hate that she does
But she can't call you dad when you are just a kid
she hated the feeling you left her with
The weight that was added when you left
So she hid within the darkness
Without a clue if you were safe or in danger
That breaks your daughter her core shattered
She was just a kid
You were supposed to be a man
But she grew up before you
So i'm trying to kill you in my mind
But my mind kills me
I'm trying to fight the urge to yell
To scream at the voices
To stop
Answers
GPT-4o mini
This poem has a deeply emotional resonance, capturing the pain and turmoil of a fractured father-daughter relationship. Here are some thoughts on its strengths and areas for potential improvement:
### Strengths:
1. **Emotional Depth**: The poem effectively conveys a sense of longing, betrayal, and hurt. The juxtaposition between the daughter's need for a father's love and the reality of her experience creates a powerful emotional impact.
2. **Imagery and Metaphors**: The use of vivid imagery, such as “sat on that bench a lonely soul” and “weight that was added when you left,” evokes strong feelings and paints a clear picture of the daughter's isolation and sadness.
3. **Narrative Flow**: The poem tells a compelling story of growth, loss, and the struggle for understanding. It successfully captures the complexity of feelings—love, resentment, and the desire for closure.
4. **Raw Honesty**: The line, “I’m trying to kill you in my mind / But my mind kills me," encapsulates a profound inner conflict that many readers can relate to, further deepening the emotional connection.
### Areas for Improvement:
1. **Structure and Form**: While the poem captures a stream of consciousness well, organizing it into stanzas or using consistent line lengths could enhance readability and allow pauses for reflection.
2. **Clarity and Consistency**: Some lines might benefit from clarification or refinement to ensure the intended emotions come across clearly. For example, the switch from addressing the father to expressing the daughter's inner thoughts could be more cohesive.
3. **Punctuation and Grammar**: Attention to punctuation could help guide the reader's pacing and enhance the overall flow. For instance, commas and line breaks can influence the rhythm and clarity of the piece.
4. **Imagery Enhancement**: While there are strong images, expanding on certain metaphors or using more sensory details might heighten the emotional experience. For example, exploring the specific feelings tied to certain memories could deepen the effect.
### Overall Impression:
This poem is a heartfelt exploration of a complicated relationship, brimming with conflict and lingering love. With some refinement in structure and clarity, it could become even more powerful. Keep writing and revising—your voice and emotional depth are evident and compelling!
### Strengths:
1. **Emotional Depth**: The poem effectively conveys a sense of longing, betrayal, and hurt. The juxtaposition between the daughter's need for a father's love and the reality of her experience creates a powerful emotional impact.
2. **Imagery and Metaphors**: The use of vivid imagery, such as “sat on that bench a lonely soul” and “weight that was added when you left,” evokes strong feelings and paints a clear picture of the daughter's isolation and sadness.
3. **Narrative Flow**: The poem tells a compelling story of growth, loss, and the struggle for understanding. It successfully captures the complexity of feelings—love, resentment, and the desire for closure.
4. **Raw Honesty**: The line, “I’m trying to kill you in my mind / But my mind kills me," encapsulates a profound inner conflict that many readers can relate to, further deepening the emotional connection.
### Areas for Improvement:
1. **Structure and Form**: While the poem captures a stream of consciousness well, organizing it into stanzas or using consistent line lengths could enhance readability and allow pauses for reflection.
2. **Clarity and Consistency**: Some lines might benefit from clarification or refinement to ensure the intended emotions come across clearly. For example, the switch from addressing the father to expressing the daughter's inner thoughts could be more cohesive.
3. **Punctuation and Grammar**: Attention to punctuation could help guide the reader's pacing and enhance the overall flow. For instance, commas and line breaks can influence the rhythm and clarity of the piece.
4. **Imagery Enhancement**: While there are strong images, expanding on certain metaphors or using more sensory details might heighten the emotional experience. For example, exploring the specific feelings tied to certain memories could deepen the effect.
### Overall Impression:
This poem is a heartfelt exploration of a complicated relationship, brimming with conflict and lingering love. With some refinement in structure and clarity, it could become even more powerful. Keep writing and revising—your voice and emotional depth are evident and compelling!