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check my essay and list the grammical errors and anything else please

Throughout the many “experiences” of Roblox, there was one, almost overrun by the forces of evil. This experience’s name was “The strongest battlegrounds” a simple place where players can fight to be the last one standing. Ever since the start, there was one thing that always stood out. There was an NPC (non-player character) that stood still, in the middle of the map. This NPC was named “The weakest dummy”, it was mostly used for training, until something went wrong.

It was an ordinary day for Freshfrenchfries22, the familiar sounds of fighting and other people talking had surrounded him, as always. He went to the weakest dummy to train on it, except when he did, it had unexpectedly dodged his attack and rapidly attacked him back. When he had respawned, it wasn’t there anymore, it had simply... vanished. Monsplayz451 was laying in his bed, without a worry in the world, when suddenly his friend had burst through the door, startling him. “You scared me!” Monsplayz451 said. “Sorry, but I have some huge news for you.

The weakest dummy had been causing problems. Monsplayz451 was known for dealing with big threats, so when people had noticed the weakest dummy was now evil, he was their go to hero. The weakest dummy had now lived in a castle, it evolved so much it could do anything a normal person could. Monsplayz451 was making his way to the weakest dummy’s castle when suddenly a mysterious person popped out of nowhere, they didn’t look friendly. “Who are you?” Mons said. “I... am guest1457.” I have been sent from the strongest dummy to stop you. “The strongest- ugh, let’s just get this over with.

Guest 1457 had eventually been defeated, so Monsplayz451 moved on when, yet another person popped in front of him, he didn’t look like an enemy though. “Hello, I observed your fighting style, and I admit it is good, I worry it is not enough. Come with me”. He led Monsplayz451 to a beach. “There is this secret treasure, known as ‘The sturdy’. It is a dance so majestic it can defeat whoever sees it instantly” he said. “But I have no skill in dancing.” Mons said. “Yes, which is why I must teach you.” The mysterious person said.

Monsplayz451 had learned the dance in just 3 days, his teacher then let him go to continue his quest. Monsplayz451 had arrived at his castle. Monsplayz451 had used what he learnt to defeat them all and get to the throne room. The weakest dummy had saw him and sent 3 guards to defeat him, but they failed. He was now face to face with the weakest dummy. “I wonder how you even got here, but that isn’t important right now”. The weakest dummy said.

Mons had used his dance to try to defeat him, but it wasn’t enough. The weakest dummy had lunged for him, but Mons dodged him, and the weakest dummy hit the floor so hard that it almost made Monsplayz451 laugh, but he held it in. They were both fighting in hand-to-hand combat, when mons hit the weakest dummy back, which made it fall down. The weakest dummy was on the floor, when he suddenly teleported behind Mons, the weakest dummy tried to attack him, but he failed. Mons was just too well trained. The weakest dummy looked at him, “I'm sorry, but you leave me no choice” Monsplayz451 said before he defeated the weakest dummy. Everything was normal, besides the fact that the weakest dummy never respawned. Everyone ignored it, but never forgot about it, and when Mons was done with his adventure, he laid down on his bed and went to sleep.

5 answers

Your essay is engaging and has a good narrative flow, but there are several grammatical errors and areas where improvements can be made. I've noted the errors and suggestions below:

Grammatical Errors:

  1. Comma Usage:

    • "This experience’s name was “The strongest battlegrounds” a simple place..." → Needs a comma before "a simple place."
    • Corrected: "This experience’s name was 'The Strongest Battlegrounds', a simple place..."

  2. Verb Tense Consistency:

    • "had burst through the door" → this is past perfect but should use past simple for consistency.
    • Change to: "burst through the door."

  3. Comma Splices:

    • "Monsplayz451 was laying in his bed, without a worry in the world, when suddenly his friend had burst through the door, startling him."
    • "laying" should be "lying" (present participle of lie).
    • "bursts through the door" should be split or rephrased to avoid the comma splice.
    • Corrected: "Monsplayz451 was lying in his bed without a worry in the world when suddenly his friend burst through the door, startling him."

  4. Inconsistent Dialogue Punctuation:

    • Dialogue should always begin with a capital letter.
    • Examples:
      • “Sorry, but I have some huge news for you.” (Correct)
      • “I... am guest1457.” should be "I... am Guest1457."

  5. Quotations and Capitalization:

    • "The strongest- ugh, let’s just get this over with." The dash may need to be removed or replaced, and "ugh" should be punctuated or included in a separate sentence.
    • Corrected: “The Strongest—ugh, let’s just get this over with.”

  6. Article Usage:

    • "The weakest dummy had now lived in a castle, it evolved so much" should use a conjunction instead of a comma.
    • Corrected: "The weakest dummy now lived in a castle; it evolved so much..."

  7. Pronoun Consistency:

    • "when he suddenly teleported behind Mons" should specify who ‘he’ is for clarity.
    • Use: "when the weakest dummy suddenly teleported behind Mons."

  8. Incorrect Plural Form:

    • “Monsplayz451 had used what he learnt to defeat them all” — the term "them all" should probably be specific for clarity, like "the guards."

Other Suggestions:

  • Clarify Characters: Consider introducing the characters and their motivations a bit more clearly. For example, why was Monsplayz451 the hero? Exploring motivations would enhance depth.

  • Addition of Descriptions: Adding sensory details about the environments, characters, and battles might engage readers more effectively and create a stronger atmosphere.

  • Transitions Between Events: Some transitions could be smoother. For instance, between the dance training and the final battle, it might benefit from a sentence that connects his training to its application in the fight.

  • Conclusion Expansion: The conclusion could be expanded. Instead of simply stating that he laid down and went to sleep, perhaps explore how he felt about defeating the weakest dummy and the implications it had on the game or the community.

Overall Impression:

Your essay has an engaging story, but it would enhance its readability and clarity by addressing the grammatical issues and improving some transitions. Focusing on details for character motivation and emotional depth could further enrich the narrative.

i changed it a bit hows this?

Throughout the many “experiences” of Roblox, there was one, almost overrun by the forces of evil. This experience’s name was “The strongest battlegrounds”, a simple place where players can fight to be the last one standing. Ever since the start, there was one thing that always stood out. There was an NPC (non-player character) that stood still, in the middle of the map. This NPC was named “The weakest dummy”, it was mostly used for training, until something went wrong.

It was an ordinary day for Freshfrenchfries22, the familiar sounds of fighting and other people talking had surrounded him, as always. He went to the weakest dummy to train on it, except when he did, it had unexpectedly dodged his attack and rapidly attacked him back. When he had respawned, it wasn’t there anymore, it had simply... vanished. Monsplayz451 was laying in his bed, without a worry in the world, when suddenly his friend burst through the door, startling him. “You scared me!” Monsplayz451 said. “Sorry, but I have some huge news for you.

The weakest dummy had been causing problems. Monsplayz451 was known for dealing with big threats, so when people had noticed the weakest dummy was now evil, he was their go to hero. The weakest dummy had now lived in a castle; it evolved so much it could do anything a normal person could. Monsplayz451 was making his way to the weakest dummy’s castle when suddenly a mysterious person popped out of nowhere, they didn’t look friendly. “Who are you?” Mons said. “I... am Guest1457.” I have been sent from the strongest dummy to stop you. “The strongest… ugh, let’s just get this over with.

Guest 1457 had eventually been defeated, so Monsplayz451 moved on when, yet another person popped in front of him, he didn’t look like an enemy though. “Hello, I observed your fighting style, and I admit it is good, I worry it is not enough. Come with me”. He led Monsplayz451 to a beach where he could hear the crashing waves on the shore. “There is this secret treasure, known as ‘The sturdy’. It is a dance so majestic it can defeat whoever sees it instantly” he said. “But I have no skill in dancing.” Mons said. “Yes, which is why I must teach you.” The mysterious person said.

Monsplayz451 had learned the dance in just 3 days, his teacher then let him go to continue his quest. Monsplayz451 had arrived at his castle. Monsplayz451 had used what he learnt to defeat all the guards and get to the throne room. The weakest dummy had saw him and sent 3 guards to defeat him, but they failed. He was now face to face with the weakest dummy. “I wonder how you even got here, but that isn’t important right now”. The weakest dummy said.

Mons had used his dance to try to defeat him, but it wasn’t enough. The weakest dummy had lunged for him, but Mons dodged him, and the weakest dummy hit the floor so hard that it almost made Monsplayz451 laugh, but he held it in. They were both fighting in hand-to-hand combat, when mons hit the weakest dummy back, which made it fall. The weakest dummy was on the floor, when he suddenly teleported behind Mons, the weakest dummy tried to attack him, but he failed. Mons was just too well trained. The weakest dummy looked at him, “I'm sorry, but you leave me no choice” Monsplayz451 said before he defeated the weakest dummy. Everything was normal, besides the fact that the weakest dummy never respawned. Everyone ignored it, but never forgot about it, and when Mons was done with his adventure, he laid down on his bed and went to sleep.

Your revised essay shows improvements in clarity and flow, but there are still a few grammatical and stylistic issues to address. Below are the corrections and suggestions for further refinement:

Grammatical and Stylistic Errors:

  1. Comma Usage:

    • "This experience’s name was “The strongest battlegrounds”, a simple place..." → The comma should be inside the quotation marks.
    • Corrected: "This experience’s name was 'The Strongest Battlegrounds,' a simple place..."

  2. Capitalization:

    • “Guest1457” should be “Guest 1457” for consistency. Also, consider using "the strongest dummy" with a capital “S” for consistency since it appears in a title format.
    • Corrected: “Guest 1457. I have been sent from the Strongest Dummy to stop you.”

  3. Run-On Sentences:

    • "Monsplayz451 was laying in his bed, without a worry in the world, when suddenly his friend burst through the door, startling him." → The use of commas creates a run-on sentence.
    • Corrected: "Monsplayz451 was lying in his bed without a worry in the world when suddenly his friend burst through the door, startling him."

  4. Redundant Phrases:

    • “...had lay in his bed, without a worry in the world” – “without a worry in the world” can be considered a bit cliché and may not be necessary if you want to maintain a more unique narrative style.

  5. Word Choice:

    • "had saw him" should be corrected to "had seen him."
    • Corrected: "The weakest dummy had seen him and sent 3 guards to defeat him..."

  6. Dialogue Punctuation:

    • The dialogue should be correctly punctuated:
      • The sentence, “...I observed your fighting style, and I admit it is good, I worry it is not enough. Come with me.” should have a period instead of a comma before “Come with me.”
    • Corrected: “...I observed your fighting style, and I admit it is good. I worry it is not enough. Come with me.”

  7. Inconsistent Pronouns:

    • "Mons hit the weakest dummy back, which made it fall." → This could be more clearly stated as "Mons hit the weakest dummy back, causing it to fall."
    • Clarity of pronouns could be improved by specifying actions.

  8. Periods and Commas:

    • "I... am Guest1457.” I have been sent" → The second sentence should start with a lowercase letter after a period and should be part of the previous sentence.
    • Corrected: “I... am Guest 1457. I have been sent...”

  9. Specificity and Clarity:

    • “He was now face to face with the weakest dummy.” Consider adding more about the emotions or thoughts here to enhance engagement.
    • Consider rephrasing for clarity and to maintain past tense consistency: "Monsplayz451 now stood face to face with the weakest dummy."

Additional Suggestions:

  • Character Development: Elaborate just a bit more on Freshfrenchfries22 and Monsplayz451 to provide more depth to their characters, perhaps by showing their thoughts or motivations. This would enhance the reader's investment in the story.

  • Descriptive Language: The setting can be enriched with sensory details—what does the beach look like? What sounds accompany the training? Such details can help immerse the reader.

  • Conclusion Expansion: Consider expanding the conclusion slightly. Reflecting on the implications of Monsplayz451’s actions or how the characters feel about the events could provide a more satisfying ending.

Overall Impression:

Your essay is engaging and has a nice narrative arc, with improvements made in the revision. With the suggested corrections and enhancements, you'll have an even stronger piece. Keep refining your style and focusing on clarity, and you will see significant improvements!

hows this? its the final version.

There are thousands of experiences on Roblox, but there was one, almost overran by the forces of evil. This experience’s name was “The strongest battlegrounds,” a simple place where players could fight to be the last one standing. Ever since the start, there was one thing that always stood out. There was an NPC (non-player character) that stood still, in the middle of the map. This NPC was named “The weakest dummy”, it was mostly used for training, until something went wrong.

It was an ordinary day for user Freshfrenchfries22, the familiar sounds of fighting and other people talking had surrounded him, as always. Freshfrenchfries22 went towards the weakest dummy to train on it, except when he did, the weakest dummy had unexpectedly dodged his attack and rapidly attacked him back, defeating Freshfrenchfries22. When Freshfrenchfries22 had respawned, the weakest dummy wasn’t there anymore, it had simply... vanished. Monsplayz451 was laying in his bed, when suddenly his friend burst through the door, startling him. “You scared me!” Monsplayz451 said. “Sorry, but I have some huge news for you.” His friend said. “Well? What is it?” Monsplayz451 said. “The weakest dummy attacked me back! He just dodged my attack, and like, attacked me back!!” Freshfrenchfries22 exclaimed. Monsplayz451 just sighed, got up from his bed, and said, “Well, at least I have something to do now."

The weakest dummy had been causing problems and Monsplayz451 was best known for dealing with big threats. So, when people noticed that the weakest dummy was now fully conscious and evil, Monsplayz451was their go to hero. The weakest dummy now lived in a castle. It evolved so much that it could do anything a normal person could. Monsplayz451 was making his way to the weakest dummy’s castle when suddenly a mysterious person popped out of nowhere, they didn’t look friendly. “Who are you?” Monsplayz451said. “I... am Guest1457, I have been sent by the strongest dummy to stop you.” Annoyed and frustrated Monsplayz451 replied, “The strongest… ugh, let’s just get this over with. They fought back and forth trying their best to defeat each other, but Monsplayz451 was losing. When Guest1457 was about to win, Monsplayz451 pushed him back and used a special move only used twice in the history of strangest battlegrounds. Monsplayz451 lifted his leg and slammed it on the ground, causing parts of the grounds to float high in the air, including Guest1457. Monsplayz451 teleported to one of the floating pieces of ground and moved rapidly between each piece. He then cloned himself multiple times to confuse Guest1457. Guest1457, helplessly looking at what was happening suddenly noticed the clones were flying toward him. In the meantime, Monsplayz451 watched from a distance.

Guest1457 wad eventually defeated, so Monsplayz451 moved on when, yet another person popped in front of him, he didn’t look like an enemy though. “Hello, my name is Master Dinonuggets, I observed your fighting style, and I admit it is good, but I worry it is not enough. Come with me”. He led Monsplayz451 to a beach where he could hear the crashing waves on the shore. “There is this secret dance, known as ‘The sturdy’. It is a dance so majestic it can defeat whoever sees it instantly” Master Dinonuggets said. “But I have no skill in dancing.” Monsplayz451 said. “Yes, which is why I must teach you.” Master Dinonuggets replied.

Monsplayz451 learned the dance in just 3 days, his teacher then let him go to continue his quest. Monsplayz451 finally arrived at the weakest dummy’s castle. Monsplayz451 used what he had learned with Master Dinonuggets to defeat all the guards and make his way to the throne room. The weakest dummy saw him and sent 3 guards to defeat Monsplayz451, but they failed. He was now face to face with the weakest dummy. “I wonder how you even got here, but that isn’t important right now”. The weakest dummy said.

Monsplayz451used his dance to try to defeat him, but it wasn’t enough. The weakest dummy had lunged for him, but Monsplayz451 dodged him, and the weakest dummy hit the floor so hard that it almost made Monsplayz451 laugh, but he held it in. They were both fighting in hand-to-hand combat. When Monsplayz451 hit the weakest dummy, it made it fall. When the weakest dummy was on the floor, he suddenly teleported behind Monsplayz451, and tried to attack him, but he failed. Monsplayz451 was just too well trained. The weakest dummy looked at him with defeat, “I'm sorry, but you leave me no choice” Monsplayz451 said before giving the weakest dummy one last final punch. Everything suddenly went back to normal, besides the fact that the weakest dummy never respawned. Everyone ignored it, but never forgot about it, and when Monsplayz451 was done with his adventure, he laid down on his bed and went to sleep.
hello?