Asked by Sara
I am working on a descriptive paragraph about a time when I was sick. It's not a whole story. Just a paragraph on how you felt at the starting. I remember getting sick somwhere at the end of Feb. I remember catching the stomach flu~ vomiting; Friday night. My paragraph is down below, and I'll appreciate any changes from you, thanks. I want to make my writing really high levelish. I want the intro to be good, the middle details to be good, and the ending to be good as well.
I want my pragraph to fit this:
The paper is superior and may draw upon any number of factors, such as maturity of style, depth of discussion, effectiveness of argument, use of literary and/or rhetorical devices, sophistication of wit, or quality of imagination. This composition exhibits an effective writing style and a sophisticated use of language.
"Sick all over"
I awakened from my dream, and found myself to be sweating. I tried to go back to sleep, but was unable to. I knew that something was wrong; I had never woken up during a dream, unless if it was a nightmare of course. I tried to scrunch up my body to get rid of the pain. I kept on swallowing and swallowing; each time more rapidly. A volcano was erupting within me; I ran to the bathroom and let it blow out. I felt like I was going to die right there. I wasn’t in the mood to go back to sleep. I felt like staying in the bathroom and not going back to bed. My parents got up as well, and asked me if something was the matter. I told them that I caught the flu my siblings had, and then we all went back to bed. My parents suggested to me that I take gravel, but I was too weak to, and went back to bed. My parents quickly fell asleep, while I was still awake with the stomach pain. I somehow fell asleep later on, praying not to break loose from my dreams again.
All your suggestions and help will be greatly appreciated. I tried to come up with a good title, but if you have any better ideas, then please suggest them onto here, as well as the intro.
I want my pragraph to fit this:
The paper is superior and may draw upon any number of factors, such as maturity of style, depth of discussion, effectiveness of argument, use of literary and/or rhetorical devices, sophistication of wit, or quality of imagination. This composition exhibits an effective writing style and a sophisticated use of language.
"Sick all over"
I awakened from my dream, and found myself to be sweating. I tried to go back to sleep, but was unable to. I knew that something was wrong; I had never woken up during a dream, unless if it was a nightmare of course. I tried to scrunch up my body to get rid of the pain. I kept on swallowing and swallowing; each time more rapidly. A volcano was erupting within me; I ran to the bathroom and let it blow out. I felt like I was going to die right there. I wasn’t in the mood to go back to sleep. I felt like staying in the bathroom and not going back to bed. My parents got up as well, and asked me if something was the matter. I told them that I caught the flu my siblings had, and then we all went back to bed. My parents suggested to me that I take gravel, but I was too weak to, and went back to bed. My parents quickly fell asleep, while I was still awake with the stomach pain. I somehow fell asleep later on, praying not to break loose from my dreams again.
All your suggestions and help will be greatly appreciated. I tried to come up with a good title, but if you have any better ideas, then please suggest them onto here, as well as the intro.
Answers
Answered by
Sara
Please take all your time to go throught this. I want it to be edited well, thanks :-)
Answered by
Ms. Sue
This is very good, Sara. I wonder about taking "gravel," though. What is "gravel" in this context?
Answered by
Sara
Sorry, I mean taking "Gravol"
Does my pragraph fit this:
The paper is superior and may draw upon any number of factors, such as maturity of style, depth of discussion, effectiveness of argument, use of literary and/or rhetorical devices, sophistication of wit, or quality of imagination. This composition exhibits an effective writing style and a sophisticated use of language.
I changed it a bit. Could you please edit it, I'll accept any changes made by you.:-)
I awoke from my dream sweating with? I tried to go back to sleep, but was unable to. I knew that something was wrong; I had never woken up during a dream, unless if it was a nightmare of course. I tried to scrunch up my body to get rid of the ache. I kept on swallowing and swallowing; each time more rapidly. I knew that a volcano was about to erupt, so I ran to the bathroom and let it blow out. I felt like I was going to die right there. I wasn’t in the mood to go back to sleep. I felt like staying in the bathroom by the sink. My parents got up as well, and asked me if something was the matter. I told them that I caught the flu my siblings had. My parents suggested to me that I take gravol, but I was too weak to, and went back to bed. My parents quickly fell asleep, while I was still awake with the stomach pain. I somehow fell asleep later on, praying not to break loose from my dreams again.
Does my pragraph fit this:
The paper is superior and may draw upon any number of factors, such as maturity of style, depth of discussion, effectiveness of argument, use of literary and/or rhetorical devices, sophistication of wit, or quality of imagination. This composition exhibits an effective writing style and a sophisticated use of language.
I changed it a bit. Could you please edit it, I'll accept any changes made by you.:-)
I awoke from my dream sweating with? I tried to go back to sleep, but was unable to. I knew that something was wrong; I had never woken up during a dream, unless if it was a nightmare of course. I tried to scrunch up my body to get rid of the ache. I kept on swallowing and swallowing; each time more rapidly. I knew that a volcano was about to erupt, so I ran to the bathroom and let it blow out. I felt like I was going to die right there. I wasn’t in the mood to go back to sleep. I felt like staying in the bathroom by the sink. My parents got up as well, and asked me if something was the matter. I told them that I caught the flu my siblings had. My parents suggested to me that I take gravol, but I was too weak to, and went back to bed. My parents quickly fell asleep, while I was still awake with the stomach pain. I somehow fell asleep later on, praying not to break loose from my dreams again.
Answered by
Sara
Sorry I meant staying in the bathroom by the toilet.
Answered by
Ms. Sue
Yes, it fits the requirements.
I suggest, though, that you let it sit a day or two (if you have time) and let your mind mull it over.
My husband was an author and always let his work sit a day or two before editing and reediting it.
I suggest, though, that you let it sit a day or two (if you have time) and let your mind mull it over.
My husband was an author and always let his work sit a day or two before editing and reediting it.
Answered by
Sara
Alright, thank you :-)
Answered by
Ms. Sue
You're welcome. :-)
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