I have to say, honestly, if you put this in your application, you have shot yourself in the foot. The first sentence is meaningless, of course vision is abstract. Goodness.
The second sentence ...you want to study law and political science ...in some trivial ...organization. I am certain they will cringe on reading that, why would the devote any time to helping some one advocate in a trivial organization. Do you know what trivial means?
The last sentence, all for fragmented sentences, makes no sense.
Fragment 1: you believe they have so much potential too <sic> achieve sucess. Do you think they think they have potential, or do you think they are achieving success. When you tell a college they have potential for success, it is an insult.
Fragment2: many people need a boost...what is the purpose of this? Of course it is true, but trite. Look that word up.
Fragment3: and this is ... who are your talking about? Washington state, or yourself? Who is fortunate, who is in need? It is not clear to me, and in fact, I don't see the point of it.
Fragement4: This makes no sense, do you mean those more fortunate should contribute positively to (what) community? What does this have to do with Washington State?
Topic: what do u see in the future of washington (state)
My vision of the future Washington is merely an abstract idea. I wish to study Law and Political Science to eventually become some kind of activist, whether it is lobbying, or advocate in some trivial part-time organization. I believe Washington has so much potential too achieve success, many people just need a boost, and this is why people who are more fortunate than others should do whatever they can to help those in need, or contribute someway to the community.
5 answers
i agree with mr.bob
how about this?
I trust that this program will help me elaborate my ideas pertaining to the future of Washington. I wish to study Law and Political Science to eventually become some kind of activist, whether it is lobbying, or advocating in some small part-time organization that pertains to any of the topics discussed before: environmental, worldly, and philanthropic deeds.
I trust that this program will help me elaborate my ideas pertaining to the future of Washington. I wish to study Law and Political Science to eventually become some kind of activist, whether it is lobbying, or advocating in some small part-time organization that pertains to any of the topics discussed before: environmental, worldly, and philanthropic deeds.
This is very bad do it over
You only have two sentences. The last sentence is a run-on. You should separate the ideas into at least two sentences. You are trying to say too much in one sentence.
1 answer