Asked by Jen

Does this sentence make sense?

For Amber volunteering instilled the desire to use her time more productively and simultaneously make a difference in the community.
Answered by Writeacher
What is "Amber volunteering"? Oh, you mean, "For Amber, volunteering ... "

Let me read it again.
Answered by Writeacher
It's awfully wordy and stilted.

How about this:

<i>For Amber, volunteering made her want to use even more of her time making a difference in her community.</i>
Answered by Writeacher
Or ... since the repetition of forms of "make" is disturbing to me ...

<i>For Amber, volunteering made her want to use even more of her time helping others in her community.</i>
Answered by Jen
her daily routine after work consisted of grading papers and watching TV so she was looking for ways to spend her time more "productively" after work and decided volunteering would be the best approach. I'm trying to think of a good sentence for all this information
Answered by Writeacher
Why is "productively" in quotation marks? Are you quoting someone?

Let me read it over.
Answered by Writeacher
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/concise.htm
Read over this webpage, and let me know which words in your sentence can be eliminated. I'll be checking it, too.
Answered by Jen
trying to paraphrase what they said
Answered by Writeacher
Quotation marks are for the exact words of someone else, whether in writing or speaking. Paraphrasing is what's written in your words, trying to capture the meaning without actual quotation.
Answered by Writeacher
How about this:

<i>Her routine after work included grading papers and watching TV. She was looking for better ways to spend time, and volunteering at the Y's homework center seemed a good choice.</i>
Answered by Jen
That works, but I am going to continue to play around with it a bit. I appreciate you're help Writeacher. You've been very helpful, thank you!
Answered by Writeacher
You're welcome.

Be sure to post again if you want more input, and be sure to use the ideas on that linked webpage above!

=)
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