MUCH better, but still needs work. Did you really learn medical assistant skills while you were going through labor? That's how it reads, so pay attention to what I've put in bold. Also compare the following carefully with yours above. Notice EVERY change.
It would be an honor if I could work as a Medical Administrative Assistant with you at Lakeshore General Hospital Birthing Center. A recent experience influenced me to learn the skills I'd need to be the perfect candidate.
In the recent past, I gave birth. On my way to the labor room, I gave the technician the necessary information for my medical records. She had excellent interpersonal skills and was very patient. After labor, when my violent husband and in-laws came for visitation, they forcefully tried to get access into my medical records, which the technician made sure to protect. Afterwards, the technician and I finally got a chance to talk, and she gave me details about her job. To be specific, I learned that she is very detail-oriented, guarantees the privacy of health information, interacts with new people every day, utilizes different types of medical software, and performs a wide range of duties to help support physicians and other medical team members. Speaking to her was really interesting and inspiring. A few months later, when I finally got more time on my hands, I decided to start studying so that I could support myself and my child. As soon as I made this decision, I remembered the conversation I had with the medical technician and how inspiring it was. That conversation motivated me to start my training at Penn Foster Career School in Laval. My training has involved taking courses in Office Procedures, Body Systems and Terminology, Basic Pharmacology, Office Finance and Medical Insurance, Confidentiality of Allied Health, and Medical Transcription. To sum up, I have acquired a variety of skills which make me confident that I would be the best at my position as a Medical Administrative Assistant.
You’ve applied for a specific job in your field of study. The Human
Resources Department arranges an interview and tells you to bring with
you a polished piece of writing for them to evaluate your writing skills.
The paragraph must describe one particular experience you’ve had that
inspired you or guided you to choose the type of position for which you
applied.
Your audience is your potential employer and your purpose is to show
you have thought carefully about what and/or who has motivated you
toward this career choice and why. In addition, you want to convey your
enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience.
Take time to think about what your audience wants to know and strive
to reach a balance between informal and formal business writing.
Process
1. Prewrite about your field of study and create a specific job for
which you might want to apply at a particular business or organization
in your area. Outline what that position would look like.
Brainstorm details, names, titles, and facts to provide depth to your
paragraph and enable you to write a polished paragraph.
2. Freewrite about the different experiences you’ve had that motivated
you to choose your area of study. Pick one on which to
focus—one that triggers sparks of enthusiasm. Review your prewriting
and choose what’s most pertinent to the experience and position.
Decide on an organizational pattern, such as a chronological outline,
and arrange those details into a logical, coherent flow.
3. Open a Word document and type the heading Paragraph 1. Begin
your rough draft with the topic sentence, in which you state the
position and place, as well as your reason for wanting to be hired
as it relates to your inspiring experience. Develop the experience
you organized in Step 2. Include not only details about the one
experience, but also show how that experience inspired you, particularly
as it relates the position for which you’re applying. Develop
your paragraph using clear, varied sentences containing concrete
words and transitions or connectives to create a logical flow. Show
enthusiasm, yet maintain a somewhat formal tone.
I WROTE :
It would be an honour if I could work as a Medical Administrative Assistant with you at Lakeshore General Hospital Birthing Center. With various skills that I have acquired throughout a recent inspiring experience; I am confident that I am the perfect candidate. In recent past, I gave birth. On my way for labor, as soon as I informed the professional about my arrival, she immediately took the necessary information for my medical record. She had excellent interpersonal skills and was very patient. After labor, when my violent husband and in-laws came for visitation, they forcefully tried to get access into my medical records in which the technician made sure to protect it. Afterwards, the technician and I finally got a chance to engane in a conversation in which she detailed me her job description. To be specific, I learnt that: she was very detail-oriented, guarantees the privacy of the health information, interacts with new people every day, utilizes different types of medical software, and performs a wide range of duties to help support physicians and other medical team members. Speaking to her was so interesting and inspiring. A few months later, when I finally got more time in my hands, I decided to start studying so that I can support my child financially. As soon as I took this decision, I remembered the conversation I had with the Medical Administrative Assistant and how inspiring it was. That specific fact motivated me to start my training at Penn Foster Career School in Laval. My training has involved taking courses in Office Procedures, Body Systems and Terminology, Basic Pharmacology, Office Finance and Medical Insurance, Confidentiality of Allied Health, and Medical Transcription. To sum up, I have acquired a variety of skills which make me confident that I would be the best at my position as a Medical Administrative Assistant.
p.s: I am visual so please set examples for any faults you find. That will help me know exactly what you are pointing out and that would be a great help. Thank you very much to the ones who are helping me!
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