Asked by Anonymous

Write a 3-paragraph Biographical Essay. Discuss your experiences with summmer: the things you enjoyed and the things you missed about school.

I am beginning to simplfy my writting, as Bob suggested. However, I am going to sumbit the only the first paragraph first, so that I can revise (if you insist) one paragraph at a time.

What I have written for the first paragrpah: "A strong sense of freedom is one of my favorite things about summer. My freedom in summer lessens stress. It protects me from the pressure of the backlog of uncompleted school work. It shields me from the worry of disappointing grades and shoddy assignments. However, most of all, this sensation of freedom allows me to have fun. Therefore, to be free of homework, potentially poor grades, and disappointment is not only a relief but a wondrous joy, if only for a short period of time."
Answered by Writeacher
Good idea.

Here is an example of wordiness for you to work on. How will you get rid of the repetition?

<i>... the pressure of the backlog of uncompleted school work.

</i>
Answered by Writeacher
Also, please note that "uncompleted" is not a standard word listed in many dictionaries:
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/uncompleted?s=t


Answered by Anonymous
I don't know. How should I revise this sentence so that there is no repetition?
Answered by Writeacher
... the pressure of incomplete homework.

or

... the backlog of incomplete homework.

Two "of" prepositional phrases in succession in one sentence is a big signal that one of them needs to GO!!
Answered by Anonymous
What if I replaced the adjointing "of" with an "and"?
Answered by Anonymous
No, never mind. I don't think the revision I suggested suits this sentence very well.
Answered by Writeacher
No. The point is to SHORTEN that sentence. Choose one ... pressure or backlog.
Answered by Anonymous
"It protects me from the pressure of uncompleted schoolwork."
Answered by Writeacher
incomplete

unfinished
Answered by Anonymous
What else do you think I should revise in this paragraph?
Answered by Writeacher
You should find ways to shorten this sentence:

<i>Therefore, to be free of homework, potentially poor grades, and disappointment is not only a relief but a wondrous joy, if only for a short period of time.</i>
Answered by Anonymous
Oh.

"A strong sense of freedom is one of my favorite things about summer. My freedom in summer lessens stress. It protects me from the pressure of unfinished schoolwork. It shields me from the worry of disappointing grades and shoddy assignments. However, most of all, this sensation of freedom allows me to relax, to have fun. Thus, to be free of homework, potentially poor grades, and disappointment is not only a relief but a wondrous joy, if only for a short period of time."
Answered by Writeacher
Keep working on getting rid of wordiness in that last sentence.
Answered by Anonymous
"Thus, to be free from the stress factors of everyday life is not only a relief but a wondrous joy, if only for a short period of time."
Answered by Anonymous
Or "Thus, to be free from the stress factors of everyday life is not only a relief but a joy, if only for a short period of time."
Answered by Anonymous
Do you think I would make one of the sentence too wordy if I were to add to it?

"However, most of all, this sensation of freedom allows me to relax, to have fun."
Answered by Anonymous
Do you think I would make one of the sentences too wordy if I added to it?

"However, most of all, this sensation of freedom allows me to relax, to have fun."
Answered by Anonymous
"A strong sense of freedom is one of my favorite things about summer. My freedom in summer lessens stress. It protects me from the pressure of incomplete schoolwork. It shields me from the worry of disappointing grades and shoddy assignments. However, most of all, this great sensation of freedom allows me to relax, to have fun. Thus, to be free from the stress factors of everyday life is not only a relief but a joy, if only for a short period of time."
Answered by Writeacher
Keep it and move on to the next.
Answered by Anonymous
Then you approve of this paragraph?
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